I decided that 4 kids was PLENTY for me. I decided that if DHS called with a child, I would tell them our home is full (I've actually already done that before). I decided that my quiver is full (see Psalm 127:3-5 if you don't understand that).
Then I began not only to read Radical by David Platt, but I began to go through a Radical study with Cowboy & 3 other couples.
During the first week of our study, God very plainly spoke to my heart about my decision that our family was complete. He let me know that He alone would decide when He was finished adding blessings to mine & Cowboy's life.
So, I have been teasing Cowboy that after I go to Uganda this next year, I'm sure God will call us to adopt from Africa. I really have not heard that from God, but it's fun to tease.
Then, during the next week of our study, I began to feel YUCK! I started thinking back to the last time that I knew for sure I wasn't pregnant. In the busy-ness (& infertileness that has been our lives over the last several years), I hadn't a clue when that was.
A couple days later Cowboy brought home a gift for me, a pregnancy test. Failed. Because I had failed pregnancy tests with both of my previous pregnancies, we weren't putting a lot of stock into those results.
So after a few more days, I bought a double-pack of pregnancy tests. I took one. Failed.
Then I decided I was SICK of not knowing for sure. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor. The morning of the appointment Cowboy suggested I go ahead and use up the last test. Failed.
I told the doctor of my concerns. Had blood drawn. Got a call the next day. Failed.
So...now I have failed 4 times & still have no idea what is up with my body.
The great thing here is that I don't feel like I've failed. I still get to go to Africa next year. I still get to go skiing in February with Cowboy, the munchkins, and some dear friends.
I don't, however, get the joy of having a brand new, sweet baby next spring to love on and take care of. Or do I? Maybe DHS will call and God will tell us to say yes. Maybe He won't. Maybe we'll eventually adopt from Africa. Maybe we won't.
Hopefully, though, we'll listen and choose to be in the center of God's will.
Can't think of anywhere in life I'd rather be than that.
